So I'm back in my black hole and signed off work with depression again. I'm starting to get bored of this story now, aren't you?
It's been seriously stressful few months and it feels like I've been treading water since my Grandad died in November, telling myself I just need to get to Christmas, just have to get through New Year, just have to make it through January but last week my head decided I couldn't tread water anymore. After a horrendous week, with stress levels going through the roof, it all came to a head on Saturday when I started to drown. My energy levels have gone, I have no enthusiasm, I just want to sleep all the time. Facing people and work feels like a task equal to swim the Atlantic (e.g a mammoth task with little chance of success!)
I called the doctor yesterday and was signed off and referred back to therapy. Great news as I'm getting treatment but also it signifies the start of this battle again. Living with this imaginary bag of rocks on my back (I.e depression!) is exhausting. Small tasks like getting in the shower or putting the washing on are incredibly tough and are physically exhausting which to PLODs (People Living withOut Depression) must seem ridiculous. Even stringing sentences together can be hard work. Luckily when things get tough I can write, and apparently this is good therapy as well which is great news. Talking to people about this subject is tough but having a platform like my blog gives me the voice I sometimes struggle to find. It's also a great way to diary the good times and the bad.
Some of my friends and family will know I've been on a journey to lose weight for the past few years without much success. I'm starting to think I was dealing with this in the wrong way. Project Skinny Girl was a great way to document and motivate myself to get healthy but I think my problems are bigger than just my physical health. With this in mind I'm very excited to start Project Happy Girl. I've read lots recently about happiness and the need for good mental health. I think healthy eating and exercise make up part of this but happiness is bigger than just losing weight. Everyday I'm going to look for something that makes me feel happy and either blog about it or document it on Instagram. Hopefully this will help me to see the happiness in each day, but will also help me on bad days when I'm struggling to see the good in anything.
For those among us who have been treated for depression, you'll know that the first thing doctors and counsellors tell you is to get outside for exercise, sunshine and fresh air. That's exactly what I did today. My beautiful friend Emily and I took some waggy friends to Sandbanks, Poole to walk out some of the pain, anger and frustration that I've been feeling recently. It gave us the opportunity to gain perspective on our problems and to be reminded of what a beautiful world we live in - something I forget regularly. With the dogs running by our feet we walked and talked and enjoyed the sunny, freezing cold day. Over lunch we deliberated whether nachos should be available to us as treatment instead of antidepressants. Today reminded me I'm not alone in my battle and that I'm so lucky to live in such an incredible place. Although we were only out for a few hours it gave me enough of a push to get through the rest of the day without wanting to disappear into my bed and using sleep as my escape. I know I've got a long way to go but I feel a little bit stronger after today and ready to tackle tomorrow one hour at a time.
