This may be stating the obvious but it turns out losing somebody is the most heartbreaking, painful, unfair experience anyone can go through. Last week, my grandad died. Today was his funeral and after a day filled with memories and emotion I feel exhausted and drained. I have been surrounded by the most loving and supportive friends and have been experiencing each step of this process with my incredible, strong family. As with weddings, funerals and death seem to bring out the best and worst in people. I can now see the inner strength of those closest to me and I'm so proud that I am a member of this incredible family.
Through all the pain and heartbreak we have received messages of love and support from those around us. I keep hearing things like 'he's at peace now' and 'he's no longer in pain' and keep being reminded that we should focus on the good memories. Although I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind these comments, I'm still really struggling to come to terms with the harsh reality that he will no longer be there. When we pop in for coffee after work he won't be there in his chair listening to CDs or reading, he won't be underneath the tree dishing out the family presents this Christmas and he won't be there in his shed waiting for us to tell him dinner is ready.
I know he is with us all the time, he is always in my heart but he physically isn't here anymore and I can't seem to come to terms with that. I can remember all the hugs he's given me over my lifetime but I will never receive one again. The magnitude of this situation is overwhelming. It physically hurts when I think about him and I feel disloyal when people tell me the pain does fade over time. It feels wrong to want the pain to go away. He was the head of our family. He was my Grandad. He was one of a kind and it doesn't feel right that life will continue without him. But it has to and it will.
I shared something unbelievably special that not many people will live. I was there for his final two nights, and along with my mum, held his hand until his last few breaths. Being present for the final part of his life is something that I will never forget. It was one of the hardest, saddest and most loving moments of my life and I am so honoured to have been able to experience that with him. It's strange to have such mixed feelings for one single event but without sounding like a cliche, it has changed how I will live my life and how I think of death. The best way I can honour him is to live life to the fullest, love those closest to me more and to focus on achieving the same goal that he did - to win the game of life.
Grandad, I'll think of you everyday. I'll remember you every time I look at the sea and I will forever stick the ace of spades to my head when we play cards, in honour of you. You will always be in my heart and you will live on in our stories, dreams and memories forever. Sleep well xxx
