Project Happy Girl

So I'm back in my black hole and signed off work with depression again. I'm starting to get bored of this story now, aren't you?

It's been seriously stressful few months and it feels like I've been treading water since my Grandad died in November, telling myself I just need to get to Christmas, just have to get through New Year, just have to make it through January but last week my head decided I couldn't tread water anymore. After a horrendous week, with stress levels going through the roof, it all came to a head on Saturday when I started to drown. My energy levels have gone, I have no enthusiasm, I just want to sleep all the time. Facing people and work feels like a task equal to swim the Atlantic (e.g a mammoth task with little chance of success!)

I called the doctor yesterday and was signed off and referred back to therapy. Great news as I'm getting treatment but also it signifies the start of this battle again. Living with this imaginary bag of rocks on my back (I.e depression!) is exhausting. Small tasks like getting in the shower or putting the washing on are incredibly tough and are physically exhausting which to PLODs (People Living withOut Depression) must seem ridiculous. Even stringing sentences together can be hard work. Luckily when things get tough I can write, and apparently this is good therapy as well which is great news. Talking to people about this subject is tough but having a platform like my blog gives me the voice I sometimes struggle to find. It's also a great way to diary the good times and the bad. 

Some of my friends and family will know I've been on a journey to lose weight for the past few years without much success. I'm starting to think I was dealing with this in the wrong way. Project Skinny Girl was a great way to document and motivate myself to get healthy but I think my problems are bigger than just my physical health. With this in mind I'm very excited to start Project Happy Girl. I've read lots recently about happiness and the need for good mental health. I think healthy eating and exercise make up part of this but happiness is bigger than just losing weight. Everyday I'm going to look for something that makes me feel happy and either blog about it or document it on Instagram. Hopefully this will help me to see the happiness in each day, but will also help me on bad days when I'm struggling to see the good in anything.

For those among us who have been treated for depression, you'll know that the first thing doctors and counsellors tell you is to get outside for exercise, sunshine and fresh air. That's exactly what I did today. My beautiful friend Emily and I took some waggy friends to Sandbanks, Poole to walk out some of the pain, anger and frustration that I've been feeling recently. It gave us the opportunity to gain perspective on our problems and to be reminded of what a beautiful world we live in - something I forget regularly. With the dogs running by our feet we walked and talked and enjoyed the sunny, freezing cold day. Over lunch we deliberated whether nachos should be available to us as treatment instead of antidepressants. Today reminded me I'm not alone in my battle and that I'm so lucky to live in such an incredible place. Although we were only out for a few hours it gave me enough of a push to get through the rest of the day without wanting to disappear into my bed and using sleep as my escape. I know I've got a long way to go but I feel a little bit stronger after today and ready to tackle tomorrow one hour at a time. 

Saying goodbye

This may be stating the obvious but it turns out losing somebody is the most heartbreaking, painful, unfair experience anyone can go through. Last week, my grandad died. Today was his funeral and after a day filled with memories and emotion I feel exhausted and drained. I have been surrounded by the most loving and supportive friends and have been experiencing each step of this process with my incredible, strong family. As with weddings, funerals and death seem to bring out the best and worst in people. I can now see the inner strength of those closest to me and I'm so proud that I am a member of this incredible family. 

Through all the pain and heartbreak we have received messages of love and support from those around us. I keep hearing things like 'he's at peace now' and 'he's no longer in pain' and keep being reminded that we should focus on the good memories. Although I understand and appreciate the sentiment behind these comments, I'm still really struggling to come to terms with the harsh reality that he will no longer be there.  When we pop in for coffee after work he won't be there in his chair listening to CDs or reading, he won't be underneath the tree dishing out the family presents this Christmas and he won't be there in his shed waiting for us to tell him dinner is ready. 

I know he is with us all the time, he is always in my heart but he physically isn't here anymore and I can't seem to come to terms with that. I can remember all the hugs he's given me over my lifetime but I will never receive one again. The magnitude of this situation is overwhelming. It physically hurts when I think about him and I feel disloyal when people tell me the pain does fade over time. It feels wrong to want the pain to go away. He was the head of our family. He was my Grandad. He was one of a kind and it doesn't feel right that life will continue without him. But it has to and it will. 

I shared something unbelievably special that not many people will live. I was there for his final two nights, and along with my mum, held his hand until his last few breaths. Being present for the final part of his life is something that I will never forget. It was one of the hardest, saddest and most loving moments of my life and I am so honoured to have been able to experience that with him. It's strange to have such mixed feelings for one single event but without sounding like a cliche, it has changed how I will live my life and how I think of death. The best way I can honour him is to live life to the fullest, love those closest to me more and to focus on achieving the same goal that he did - to win the game of life. 

Grandad, I'll think of you everyday. I'll remember you every time I look at the sea and I will forever stick the ace of spades to my head when we play cards, in honour of you. You will always be in my heart and you will live on in our stories, dreams and memories forever. Sleep well xxx

Rumbly Tumbly

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Here's my week in pics! It featured lots of yummy recipes, mainly from the incredible The Kitchen Shed (www.thekitchenshed.co.uk). This fab website was recommended to me by a colleague and without doubt it's one if the best foodie sites I've seen. Easy, honest, normal recipes that even my fussy eater (but lovely!) husband will eat. Not only are the recipes amazing but the meal plans are so easy to follow. If you need inspiration to get your bottom up off the sofa and your food sorted please check out this incredible site.

Vegetable bolognese with zucchini noodles

Pineapple salsa 

Hazelnut Granola

Raspberry and apple oat bars

Fruity smoothie

Slow cooker whole chicken

Project Skinny Girl

I recently had a pretty scary trip to the hospital which started my project skinny girl journey all over again. As this is the start of the journey I thought I'd share my story, as I'm sure this will feature heavily in my blog posts over the next year. 

My story

I've been having bad ankle problems in both feet for 12 years  (it all started after I tried to cheat in a maze while on holiday in Melbourne.. It's a long story..) . I've struggled throughout this time to get any doctors to look further into each injury. Everytime I send up in A&E I'm told it's a bad twist or strain and then nothing gets looked into any further. After a bad incident last September I 'sprained' my ankle badly enough for the doctors to stand up and take notice. As a precautionary measure the hospital sent me for an MRI scan and a follow up appointment with an orthopaedic consultant.  At my follow up appointment they finally confirmed that I need reconstructive surgery on ligaments in both my feet because there was so much ligament damage. We talked through the procedure and started to put a plan together but they then dropped the bombshell that they couldn't do it yet because I wouldn't survive the anaesthetic because of my weight. As I'm sure you can imagine this was pretty scary stuff and after more discussion we decided I needed to reduce my BMI by half, and meaning I needed to lose about 10 stone before they would put me on the waiting list for the op. This was when I knew I needed to take some pretty serious action and #projectskinnygirl was reborn! 

Getting started

After some research into how I was going to reach my mammoth goal, I turned to my friend Carrie for inspiration. Carrie had been writing a blog about her incredible story on her path to pregnancy. She had turned to clean eating as a way to do this and coincidentally a few days after I'd started on my journey she announced the amazing news that her hard work has paid off and she was finally expecting a bubba! I couldn't believe what a difference clean eating had made to her life and started researching how this approach could help me. After lots and lots of reading I found that ultimately clean eating was about reducing the amount of chemicals, salt and unhealthy sugars and fats you put in your body. By using the simple rules that you shouldn't eat anything with more than 5 ingredients and you shouldn't eat anything that includes something you can't pronounce, I was intrigued at how easy this sounded.  I was amazed at how many incredible recipes there were out there specifically for clean eating and the success stories got me truly inspired. I started a Pinterest board to collect recipes and found that when I started talking to my friends, a lot of people had success stories to tell too. My hubby and I also went out and bought ourselves bikes. I promised myself I would cycle to work everyday and we got hooked on the buzz of getting out into our beautiful home town to explore. Roxie and Roman (our beautiful new bikes) had a way of getting us fit and took us around to places we could only visit in a car. All this plus we could spend some quality time together and I could get the hubby to escape his playstation obsessed lifestyle. 

So I'm now officially on my journey. Here are my start pictures. 

This is me two weeks in:

Wish me luck!! 

Spring is here!

This week officially brought the first day of Spring, an ultra rare eclipse (but it was too overcast to see that so the less said the better!) and International Happy Day. Phew what a week! 

International happy day was particularly poignant for me as after 2 years of depression I decided to make this year the start of my new life. 2015 is my 'year of happy'! The weather seemed to reflect the change of season and while Friday started off grey and overcast by the afternoon Spring had definitely sprung. 

To celebrate, my mum and I took a trip to the beach to do a spot of beachcombing. 

The sun was out and although there was still a very cold chill in the air it was the perfect weather to wander along the shore looking for treasures.

The tide was unusually far out too which made exploring even more exciting! We wandered for about 40 minutes enjoying the weather, the view and the atmosphere. 

As we got further along the beach we discovered the old shoreside swimming pool. It was incredible to see something that had been hidden for so longer finally be recovered for new eyes to see. 

The Dorset Ancestry blog (dorsetancestry.webeden.co.uk) describes the pool as the first swimming baths in salt water which was positioned near fishermans hard and fish and dock'.

As we ventured down the beach we ran into a family also enjoying the sun. After chasing the dog around the beach a young adventurer and his Grandad showed us his great find! 

The treasures from our trip were washed and collected once I got home and are now ready to be proudly displayed along with my other finds. 

It was a pretty lovely start to Spring! Here's to many more days like this one.

Happy Saturday!

Oh I love Saturdays! Especially Saturday's after a crazy week and especially when my hubby isn't working. Today was one of THOSE Saturday's! 

The day started off with a lovely lie in. It was one of those lie ins when you wake up and then slowly just drift off for another snooze. I love these types of Saturday lay ins. We also didn't have any plans today so snoozing was an acceptable way to spend the morning. It was also sunny this morning! Shocking!! It feels like the winter has been going on for a long time. I love the winter - I adore snuggling, hot chocolate, heating and blankets but even I'm ready for a bit of sun now. 

The daffodils are starting to come out and the sun shining really made it feel like there's light at the end of this grey winter. I had one of those moments today when you have a memory feeing. Have you had one of those?! I don't know what it was but I had the window open wide and the breeze was blowing in. The light outside and the breeze bought over a magical memory moment. It didn't make me reminisce over a particular event but it didn't take me back to my teenage years when the seasons were perfectly tuned in to school terms - Spring was the start of the home run towards the summer holidays. The nervousness of a new school year had gone and you had settled into a steady routine and friendships with those around you. Suddenly the 29 year old me had been swept away and the 14 year old me was back. What a lovely start to the day!

After venturing into town for last minute Mothers Day supplies the hubby and I retreated to our little bubble (aka our flat!)& snuggled in for the afternoon. We spent the rest of the day on the sofa with a blanket and hot water bottle (holding on to those last few winter moments), cups of tea and enjoyed a Neighbours marathon on the box - it was a pretty happy day! 

Here we go!

I've been talking about starting a blog for too long. Instead of procrastinating I thought I'd just do it, so today 'The Little Pink Balloon' is born! 

I'm 29 years old, a creative but process driven person who struggles with the middle ground - I'm either totally in love with things or I can't stand them! Much like marmite.. This blog is dedicated to all of those things on both sides of the spectrum. I'll be sharing the things I love and firmly climbing onto my soapbox about the things I hate. 

True to form, my personality is very love/hate as well. I'm a complete romantic (I've been madly in love with my husband for the past 12 years) but I also suffer from depression. This is something I struggle with on a daily basis but with the support of my amazing family and friends I'm getting through it. After a tough few years I've bravely announced 2015 as my year of happy! Here's my journey...